Just in time for Christmas...

Howdy.

Writing a blog in Firefox has great annoyance potential. It really does. Hit enter and the cursor goes to the beginning of the line - but when you start typing, it's where it should be! Stop messing with me dammit.


As we slide merrily into winter here in northern Virginia it's the first day of summer in New Zealand. It's also the day Cat released her first ever kids book - and what better place to plug it than here on the Butterfly Foundation Blog.

Like the kids we help through the Foundation ex-racing Greyhounds need help too. They need help to live a life outside of the track and families to love them.

As a lot of you will know, Cat and her family adopted an ex-racing Greyhound in June this year. His name is Romeo, he's now 5 years old and living the life a retired racer should.
Getting to know Romeo stirred a desire to tell kids stories about Greyhounds and about him in particular. Greyhounds are smart, elegant, loving, lovable animals who are a true delight to live with.

The first two stories about Romeo are in the book "Romeo and the Chicken."
First there is "I am Romeo." A story about Romeo and Missy the fat grey cat and how they came to be such good friends.
The second story is "Romeo and the Chicken" a story about Romeo, Cleo (his Greyhound best friend), and their little humans.

This book is suitable to be read to any age group - kids over 7 can probably read it themselves with support. Even a trial group of 12-year-olds loved the stories.The book is printed in full color and contains lots of pictures.

Cat is considering other stories featuring Romeo and Cleo, as there is an endless amount of subject matter!

Here's Romeo inspecting his new book:

He is understandably rather pleased with himself here!

So if you know any dog and cat loving kids and you're looking for a Christmas gift... check out Romeo and the chicken.

Some pictures that amuse me...

Okay so not amuse exactly... but more entertain and perhaps aided in the survival of  several family members at Thanksgiving dinner - because I was distracted.  Let's face it, Thanksgiving without Rowan (or Mac) and with the brother-in-law from hell and the mother-in-law I can't give back no matter how much I try - requires help... and whatever keeps people alive seemed to be the way to go!

Just because I can and well... damn!

Who wouldn't?

Uh huh.

Well I wasn't, but someone was! Not naming names here... but MIL should point you in the right direction!









Then I saw this... and the thought of pulling a pink Glock almost had me in hysterics. Can you imagine the look on Lee and Sam's faces?? Really, it'd almost be worth trying to get my hands on one!!

Pure awesome coated in candy!

Hope y'all survived Thanksgiving.

And a special picture for Rowan:

Ellie xxx

Thanksgiving already?

Howdy.

I'm actually taking some time off to spend with family this Thanksgiving. I know, shocking! Usually I work through... usually I choose too.

This time I bowed to Carla's wishes and we're having a family Thanksgiving. FAMILY. You know what that means right?
That means Mac's family too. Despite the Protection Order against Eddie my loser brother-in-law,  which sadly has expired and there has been no need to renew it. Eddie has kept the hell away from us since Carla came into the family - the whole protection order thing caused a HUGE issue with Beatrice (The mother in law from hell), which was brilliant... and kept her away too.
But now, Carla wants a family Thanksgiving.
AND, she's suggested in her special teenage way that I lock my gun in my room.
Seriously?
I don't see that working.
But we all know what Eddie does to me, just by breathing... so maybe she has a point? Guess she forgot that we eat with silverware... lot's of nice sharp blades involved. As much as I don't like knives I'm willing to make an exception to silence Eddie.

I've got Dad lined up to run interference - it's his job to keep Beatrice away from me and Eddie in a different room at all times. Dad said Eddie has to sit at the table with us... I don't understand why Eddie gets to eat inside at all.
He's an animal. Animals eat in the yard.

So, Thanksgiving at our house... why? Because it's my house and I can kick everyone out whenever I want. (I also let Delta know that I'm available and they should feel free to call me in at any stage during the weekend. If it came down to it, I'd happily take Carla into work with me! She can hang in the bullpen while we work.)

This is me taking the weekend off.

The idea fills me with cold dread.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What am I thankful for?
My family, being part of Delta A, my friends and that I'm still alive. :)

I've got a secret...

To be fair, I have a few of them but I'm prepared to share one. It's a big one so listen up.

Presumably by now you all know what I do for a living - yes? Excellent.
It's not the most glamorous job in the world. In fact it's lots of paperwork with splashes of utter crazy thrown in. (Mostly paperwork would make for one boring story - so I tell you about the crazy... that's where the humor and terror lies.)

To get me through the day and still feel human I use some amazing oils. (You thought I was gonna say drugs, right? Idiot!)
When I was in New Zealand I discovered Le'essience  and the wonderful Gillian who creates and supplies these delectable oils and offers fabulous advice.

BeautiFuel Serum - this is the most fabulous facial serum I've ever used. I use it twice daily under my moisturizer. Also - rub a little through my hair. (Just devine.)

Luxurious Calm  - My job can be a little stressful. (Just a little bit.) This oil is like magic - calm in a bottle. And it's got Ylang-ylang in it - which is my favorite oil of all time - it smells so fantastic! When Carla get's all chaotic and twirly over things she uses it too. If it works on a chaotic teenager you know it's good!

SleepEase   - I often use this when we're traveling. Helps me sleep well and wake refreshed. Drug free sleep, gotta be good for you. Also, marvelous for Jet-lag.

Lush  - Some mornings I need more than coffee. This is the stuff that perks me up and stops me biting the heads off small children and Delta A.

Lee, Sam, and Kurt would like to offer their heartfelt thanks to Gillian for their continued existence. :)

Do yourself a favor - go check out Le'essience!!

Research, research, research.

I know Cat has a bee in her bonnet about research and how some writers seem to think they don't need to research certain things.
You do. I don't care who you are, you need to research. Even with all the research people sometimes get it wrong... but not wrong over and over again. Not so wrong that the book is total crap. Because if a writer did, I'd like to think it wouldn't pass muster... no publisher would touch it, and if by chance one did... then the editor would hurl it back at the writer and ask for a re-write.

Let me tell you, if you have not ever been pregnant - then you need to research!! You need to talk to an ObGyn and a few midwives  before writing a scene where a woman who is less than 4 weeks pregnant has a scan and the doctor declares the fetus is perfectly healthy.
[So many things wrong with that scene - my head nearly exploded when I read it.]

If you are a male writing a female main character at least spend sometime getting to know how women think.
Don't assume - we over think, are touchy feely, have to hug everyone who cries, or are weaker in anyway.
Trust me when I say, I can kick your ass and I won't think twice about it.
Also - shit is funny. Okay, it's the way it is... shit happens you choose your response. I choose to find the redeeming amusement factor every time.

  Give consideration to things like the weight of an assault rifle to someone who has never held or fired one before... they're not fucn light, if you don't know how to hold the rifle when firing you are going to be shooting all over the place, [dangerous and stupid] and you could hurt yourself [so now you're a liability, dumbass].
Not many people can pick up a rifle [or handgun] and hit the target first off. Especially when that target is moving. You need to take into account the size and weight of the weapon and the person using it.

And - for fucks sake, THINK things through.

How many 'old' men who can take a hit from a sniper in the leg and still run and then have a sniper hit the guys shoulder and the old man still be running? [On the flip side, I don't know any snipers who would've fucked the shot up that badly.]
Luckily the 'old man' didn't require any immediate medical attention.
WTF?
And better still was firing back. At what? Who knows... he sure couldn't see this 'sniper', so he was doing two things: drawing attention to their position and wasting ammo.
At this point I'd like to say: fucktard.

Also - if it's winter, and for whatever reason you are not dressed for winter [during some kind of apocalypse] go steal some survival gear from the nearest camping store.You need to be able to function and you can't do that without warm clothing and decent boots.
The basics: water, clothing, shelter, food.
Boots - yeah, that's right. You're going to be moving, on your feet for long periods, walking through God knows what. You need boots and thick socks. (And extra dry socks.)
While you're at it, get a good first-aid kit and learn how to use it.
Grow a fucking brain.

I might be done ranting. Until I remember something else that annoyed us.

What's really bugging me is I can't recall the name of the main character - yeah, I know, but she was a total non-event.




PS:
In case you're interested in what we carry in our car when we're on a job: A comprehensive first aid kit, a backpack containing warm clothes, boots, toiletries, cash, water, ration packs, a spare weapon and ammunition, Sat-phone.
Stuff get's added as we need it. But that's the basic grab-bag. We each have one.
We're lucky that we have a fully qualified doctor within Delta and an ex-army medic. But, we are all capable of administering effect first-aid.

Lawdy Miss Clawdy

Now that I got that out... how is everyone?

I'm assuming you're all wonderful and doing fabulously... don't burst my bubble!

So far this week has been pretty good. Let's face it, I don't get to say that a lot. I'm making the most of it. Pretty hard to concentrate right at this moment - let's blame the rock star, shall we? Seems fair. It's his fault.
There is no amount of protesting that will change my mind. I'll give him marks for trying though.

I wanted to draw your attention this a truly awesome blog site: The Girl's Guide to the Apocalypse. This is a marvelous resource compiled by women for women. (that doesn't mean guys can't have a read - they can and they could use a lot of the information!)
By the time this project is finished I think just about every eventuality will be covered... so bookmark the page, follow the blog, and start preparing for the Apocalypse. :)

And speaking of bookmarks:

You can request a bookmark from Cat by tweeting her @CatConnor and saying SSA Conway sent you. Strictly first come first served.

Interrogation of Brandon Ford

Howdy,

Please welcome our latest victim guest, Brandon Ford. Excuse me a minute - there seems to be some sort of kerfuffle in the cheap seats… I’ll be right back.

I’m sorry, Brandon. Sometimes the riff-raff gets a bit above their station. Let’s just carry on, shall we?

Don’t let the puddles or dangling wires concern you. The electricity comes and goes… nothing to worry about.

In the event of an earthquake/zombie plague/or random occupation - you’ll find emergency procedures taped to the bottom of your seat. Yes, just like a floatation device. You’ll also find a Glock 17 with a full magazine. Remember you cannot reason with zombies.

 Comfy?

Ellie: What’s your favorite type of takeaway? (Yes, that means take-out in NZ speak)

BF: I order takeout at usually once a week.  Since I’m a faithful connoisseur of fried foods, I often order the same thing: a plain bacon cheeseburger (none of that lettuce, onion, or tomato, blech), and an order of fries with cheese on the side.  Sometimes I’ll substitute the burger for an order of chicken fingers with honey mustard, though.  Mmmm.  Comfort food.

Ellie: Describe your current mental status.

BF:  I’m laughing out loud.  Heartily.  I couldn’t describe such a cacophonous calamity if I tried.

Ellie: I know how I do what I do… but how do you do what you do?

BF:  Carefully, sometimes ass-naked.

Ellie: Could you tell us a little bit about your latest book?

BF:  Decayed Etchings is a collection of 18 previously unpublished short stories.  Even though I’m primarily known as a horror author, not all of the works included in this collection fall under that particular umbrella.  They all, however, contain some dark element.  I think it contains some of my best works and it’s a project I’m definitely proud of.  Having my own short story collection has been a goal of mine for several years, so it’s a feeling of incredibly achievement to finally see it happen.

Ellie: Horror, choice or just the way it is? (Is art imitating life?)

BF:  Honestly, it’s the only genre I could ever see myself being passionate about.  As a kid, I dreamed of being the next Stephen King.  I think we all do, in some way.  I’ve tried fiddling with different genres over the years and I’m sure I’ll continue to do so, but my roots will always be horror or dark suspense.  It’s where I’m most comfortable.

Ellie: Do you have a favorite coffee or tea?

BF:  I don’t really drink coffee much (aside from the occasional cup of decaf).  If we’re talking brands, it’s Folgers all the way.  Maxwell House makes me gag.  “Good to the last drop” my ass.  I was never a tea drinker.  I’ve tried and tried, but I can’t make myself like it.

 Ellie: Walk us through a typical day. (Do you make sure you’re wearing your lucky underpants before you sit down to write, perhaps you prefer commando? While we’re discussing your underpants, boxers, briefs, or budgie smugglers…inquiring minds want to know. Okay so it was friend Dionne who wanted to know.)

BF:  First of all, who is this Dionne?

Second of all, I’ve been asked the “boxers or briefs” question in a couple of previous interviews, believe it or not.  And it’s briefs all the way.  Can’t tolerate boxers.

A typical day in my universe is rather boring and most of the time uneventful.  I stagger my way around as I try to wake up, fix myself a drink and something to eat, then spend some time with my Judith (those who follow me on Twitter and Facebook will know exactly what I mean by that).  I’ll usually spend some time with a movie or a book before I sit down to write, which is usually late at night.  I’m a night owl, so that’s when I prefer to do my scribbling.  It’s when it’s most quiet, after all.  I usually don’t get to bed until around 7:00 or 8:00am.

Oh and by the way, what the hell are “budgie smugglers?”

Ellie: Who would you turn gay for?

BF:  Such an interesting question.  Heh.  For those I respect and admire greatly.  For Jack Ketchum, for John Waters, for David Sedaris, for Frank Henenlotter.  This is only to name a few.  When it comes to my heroes, I have many.

Ellie: Who are your favorite writers?

BF:  Jack Ketchum is my main guy.  He’s been such a huge inspiration throughout the years and I’ve praised him in several interviews.  I also love Richard Laymon, David Sedaris, Chelsea Handler, Bob Randall, and fellow small press guys like Mark Allan Gunnells and Alan Draven.

Ellie: Who inspires you to do better? (Be as corny as you’d like… just go for it!)

BF:  I’m often inspired by those who do what they love and do it well—whether it’s writers, actors, musicians, anyone.  If they’re good at it and confident about it, part of me is always effected and I immediately want to flock to my desk and start fine-tuning a piece or simply begin another.

Ellie: Do you ever put pants on your dog, Ellie, or budgie?

BF:  Well, I don’t have a dog, but if I did, I think I might.  If he’d let me.

Ellie: Describe your perfect day.

BF:  Hmm.  Well, I like to sleep (though I don’t do it as well as I used to), so I’d prefer to wake up late.  Maybe go for a long walk, go for a swim, have a nice dinner.  Then I’d spend the evening relaxing with a good book.  I like spending quiet time.  Guess because I’m a quiet kinda guy.  I don’t do the bar scene anymore and have learned to take pleasure in much simpler things.

Ellie: Who is your favorite fictitious villain? Or are you all about the hero? Who do you love to hate?

BF:  Ooooh, that’s a toughie.  So many fantastic villains over the years.  I’ve always been a sucker for a good femme fatale.  But if I had to pick one favorite, I’d have to go with everyone’s favorite charred serial killer—Freddy Krueger.  I was quite obsessed by the Elm Street series growing up and I’d just about hit the roof whenever there was a new entry.  I still love the movies.  They’re all classics in the genre.  Well, with the exception of Freddy Vs. Jason and on that I’m sure we can all agree.

Ellie: Do you have any quirks?

BF:  Too many to list.  I’m not obsessive compulsive (at least I don’t think so), but I definitely have my idiosyncrasies.  I think my biggest is people touching my stuff, especially my computer.  It makes me insane.  And nothing drives me up the wall than something not being where I know I placed it. 

Ellie: All-time favorite movie and why?

BF:  People always look at me like I have seven heads when I say this.  But I’ve had the same favorite movie since 9^th grade and that’s Slumber Party Massacre III.  Even have a big framed poster hanging on my wall.  Though most would see it as a throw-away slasher, it’s always been more than just a genre movie to me.  It’s a movie I often watched when feeling down and its taken my mind off my troubles.  It’s a movie that I’ve literally seen hundreds of times and still have fun with. 

Ellie: If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be and why?

BF:  Florida, Miami in particular.  I’ve been wanting to move down there for ages.  Such a beautiful place with great weather.  I know everyone says the humidity is a bitch, but I’m sure I could handle it.

Ellie: What is one thing you know about New Zealand?  (Please do not mention LOTR or The Hobbit. Do you have any idea how many short people are in NZ right now? It’s freaking terrifying.)

BF:  I know that’s where Dead Alive (AKA: Braindead) was filmed.  And I know that’s where Peter Jackson was born and bred!

Ellie: Favorite Pizza topping?

BF:  I usually just go for plain cheese, but I’ll get the occasional hankering for pepperoni.

Ellie: What were you before you became a writer?

BF: A retail sales associate.  Thanks for reminding me.

Ellie: What is the most random thing you have ever done?

BF:  I almost never do things randomly.  It makes me nervous.  I’m as far from spontaneous as it gets.  I’m more of a planner.  I always have to know what’s happening, why, and when.  If not, I kinda get freaked out.

Ellie: If you’re not working, what are you most likely doing?

BF:  Reading, watching bad TV, or spending time with my Judith.

Ellie: Who is your ultimate character?

BF:  Probably “Amanda,” my villain from Crystal Bay.  Why?  Because she had lots of gnarly powers.

Ellie: Whiskey or Bourbon?

BF:  Yuck, neither.

Ellie: Have you ever been to New Zealand? And if not, why not?

BF:  No, I haven’t.  I’ve never been out of the country, but I’d love to visit NZ some day.

Ellie: What’s in your pockets? (Or manbag, handbag, whatever you carry your stuff in.)

BF:  Cell phone, wallet, keys, tissues, lip balm, iPod, books.

Ellie: Laptop, PC, tablet?

BF:  I have a laptop, but I don’t really use it that much.  I’m all about my PC.

Ellie: Ebook or tree book?

BF:  Tree book all the way!!!

Thank you for being such a good sport!

 You can catch up with Brandon on his blog: Sleepless Nights

Or harass him on Twitter like I do: @BrandonFord