Mr Charming

He thinks he's charming.
I'm sure he is but he's not charming me.

Anyway, I don't appreciate the secrecy surrounding who he is.
Okay maybe that's what's ticked me off. Lee never told me who his brother was. It's kinda funny I suppose.Or I'm sure it will be one day.

His case landed on my desk.

He's a job.

And he's not making it easy.

It's not that he's not a nice guy, it's that he's hard to read and keeps telling me I'm intense. Really? Who has to keep his ass free of bullets?
I don't get to float about being charming and smiling at people while everyone hangs on my every word.
Nope, I have to determine which of the crackpots he's smiling and making nice with is trying to kill him.

Okay, so, I might be a little intense.

But I can be fun.
Just not while I'm working.

Or maybe just not with him around.

Lost in the murk.

Dear Universe,

I am sucking at today but it’s okay, tomorrow will be better. Sometimes all I want is to be me but that’s the hardest thing of all to be.

People expect me to behave a certain way… smart-assed, blunt, tough, and funny. Sometimes I’m not those things. Sometimes life gets the better of me and the shell weakens.

When that happens I get lost. 

It’s not for long, because I don’t tolerate malingering at all well. 

People expect to be able to come to me and have me find solutions or listen or commiserate their woes and usually that’s okay, I can deal with that mostly. 

But every now and then I need more than I can give. I guess I need to top up my reserves. 

What I have found is that that becomes a lonely process; people who used to be there aren’t around as much when the shadows come calling. Reminds me of that old line, “I’m here for a good time not a long time.” Also reminds me that some people need a bat to the head. :)

The emptiness is filled with self-doubt, confusion, feelings of failure, and it’s scary. It can be a very murky place in my head at times.  

This year has very difficult on a personal level - and probably none of you know that because I’ve been accused of not telling people anything - or simply not talking.

I’m talking now, you listening?

The thing is, I don’t tell people what’s going on because I don’t want to. I also don’t want to bring anyone down. Plus, I process things differently to a lot of people. I tend to seek the funny side of whatever is happening and use that to get me through. Depending on the severity of the situation that can be easy or difficult… most days I can see the humor, today I cannot.

It’s not always easy being me. It’s never easy being honest about how I feel. I don’t like touchy-feely mushy stuff. I like to hit the range and shoot targets until I feel better or go for a run or listen to music while I'm running and very occasionally I'll take solace in a bottle of bourbon.

This year I lost a close friend, it was abrupt and unforeseen. I did not expect his death to affect me as much as it has. I don’t know why I didn’t expect that, but I didn’t. I’m no stranger to grief and the process of grieving - which in itself is quite disturbing - but this death has been a huge blow. It could be because there is another death pending and this is one I get to process slowly over time as an illness takes its toll, which is quite unlike anything I’ve experienced. (To date all deaths have been sudden.) 

The odd thing is, the bad events of this year have been so horrendous as to make the good seem ridiculously good. The swings and shifts are causing a huge lack of balance.

Subsequently, I get a bit lost sometimes.

Focus goes from what I can’t change or influence to areas that I can, which would be work, career, etc… but with crazy results. As in, it’s going to fucking drive me crazy if I keep it up. And I’ve discovered I don’t always focus on things I can change, often the focus is on things I again have no control over… and that folks is a quick way to a straightjacket.

I always expected that 2012 would be an awesome year. (Which of course means I jinxed the year, I accept that.) How could it not be awesome? Do you know what the date will be in my birthday this year??? It does not get any cooler than 12/12/12.

Unfortunately it’s not shaped up to be an awesome year and with December approaching faster than humanly possible, it looks like 12/12/12 will be just another day.

Just another day that comes once in a millennium. 

Sorry to be such a downer but them's the breaks. 

Time to go save the world.

And because this guy always makes me smile - seriously - always. I am so psyched that Mark Valley is doing stand-up now:

 

 

And this song too:

 

 Life has a way of working out... 

Have at it...

The experiment

This is the experiment:

If you have read any books by Cat Connor (killerbyte, terrorbyte, exacerbyte, flashbyte, or torrent) please leave a short review for each book you have read at the place where you purchased them. (i.e. Amazon, Barnes and Nobel, Book Depository, Smashwords, etc)

Reviews are necessary - without them people don’t know if others enjoyed the books (or not) and often people will not buy books with no or few reviews.

If you really enjoyed my books - tell a friend! :)

Once your review is live on whatever site you used - send me a link - (you can post it in comments under this post) and I’ll send you a code for a free copy of Torrent from Smashwords. (The code is only valid to 8/8/12) If you have Torrent already then I will send a very special PDF sneak peek of the next Byte novel. 

If you're feeling exceptionally generous, I'd love it if you tweeted these...

Read any books by @catconnor? Please take a few minutes and write a review. It means so very much!! #ByteExperiment Please RT.

If you have read killerbyte, terrorbyte, exacerbyte or flashbyte by @catconnor please Tweet a review. :)  #ByteExperiment  RT

If you loved The Byte Series books (killerbyte, terrorbyte, exacerbyte, flashbyte), please tell a friend! #ByteExperiment RT

Much love,

Ellie xx

morons and fucktards

 Enough being nice and pretending this shit doesn't irk me.... you can attack Cat's books all you fucking like but when you get things so obviously wrong it really really fucks me off. 

If you are going to rubbish a book at least get your facts straight. Also, don't tout movies and TV as your bible when it comes to police work or anything else... it's not real dumbass.
Also... do you even understand the concept of fiction? I don't think so.

Heads up fucktard - you know who you are. I NEVER went to MacDonald's and NEVER ordered a corn dog - dunno what book you think you read but it wasn't one of Cat's. (A simple search for those words would've stopped you spouting shite that makes you look like a fucktard.)

Just in case you missed it: TV and Movies Are NOT real - yeah, that's right, they're BS.

You don't know shit. 

Also, we looked and you only ever write nasty things.
Could that be because you're a miserable excuse for a human being and can't stand that other people are happy?
Are you by chance one of those people who always think they can write better than everyone else but won't try... because as long as you don't try you can't be proven wrong?
Is that you? You talk the talk but can't walk the walk. 

Maybe therapy.

Maybe you should think before you try to destroy people... when you are THE ONLY ONE saying bad shit then we all have to wonder WHY.

That is all.

The fun continues

To be fair, I am a little tired so I'm not so sparkly at the moment. Keep that in mind!

July 4th is upon us again.

Seems like only last year...

I'm taking some time off. A couple of months actually. It seemed like a good idea considering the last messy cases we handled and before the next mess lands on my desk. There is no escape once I see a folder turn up and know someone needs my help.

For the moment... I'd like that someone to be my daughter and only her. For us, it would be nice to have some time to be a family. Without the crazies over shadowing our lives.

Speaking of the crazies... there is a still a restraining order protecting us from Mac's mother and his crazy brother. I don't see that being lifted anytime soon. The peace is nice.

So, how are you all? What have you been up too? You must've been doing something while I've been working like a maniac...

Think Carla and I will go spend a few days in NYC. As much as I hate the place (to be fair, I only hate the parts that smell like a public toilet...) ... that is where the rock star is at the moment and Carla does love to hang out with him. :-)

Take out there.

Fireworks and alcohol do not mix well.